Hindi-Chini no buy-buy: Jai and Hind's conversation on boycotting everything Chinese
A conversation between two moderately patriotic friends about China blocking Masoor Azhar as terrorist number one.
Hind: Aare yaar! [Angrily] I’m not having momos! I told you I’m boycotting anything Chinese kyu ki those %&$%# have again blocked that UN ka resolution to boycott Masoor Azhar terrorist number one!
Jai: Abey, momos are not Chinese.
Hind: What bakwaas! Not Chinese matlaab? They’re as bloody Chinese as that sushi-wushi which that Ranvir fellow took us out for at that fancy, overpriced south Delhi restaurant after he had opened another tyre showroom at Kalkaji.
Jai: Momos are from Tibet, Bhutan, Nepal and north-eastern India, bhai. Sushi is Japanese.
Hind: [Grumbles] Same to same… I’m not having them!
Jai: So you support China’s position?
Hind: Ehhh, Jay, whatrru saying!
Jai: China believes Tibet to be in China. Which is why utna drama over Dalai Lama. They also think parts of north-eastern India like Arunachal Pradesh are theirs. So, if you think that momos are Chinese…
Hind: Arre, chhor, Jai. I’ll have them. But by god promise, let’s teach those Chinese a lesson by not buying a single thing they make!
Jai: Haanji, great thought. But planning mein garbar. What good will that do in putting pressure on Beijing to put Masoor Azhar on the global terrorist list?
Hind: [Still chomping on a momo, but gesticulating wildly]…
Jai: This isn’t like your boycotting Kashmiri goods after the Pulwama terrorist attack. How many Kashmiri goods do you buy, bhai, regularly? Sangeeta has that one Kashmiri shawl she got at you two’s wedding, right? Maybe she has that Patanjali Kashmiri kesar packet in her kitchen. Baas. But Chinese products everyone of us buys and uses everyday.
Hind: I’ve thrown away my Xiaomi phone the moment I heard about the UN thing! I even bought myself a much more expensive model online, but at least it’s not Chinese!
Jai: Which model?
Jai: Chinese hain.
Hind: What? But ‘Lenovo’ sounds so, so…
Jai: Italian? Hmm. Show me the gulal and pichkari you’ve bought for Piyush.
Hind: [Hands him the packet] Abbe, what’s wrong with that? If you think I’ve not boycotted Surf Excel after that sickular advertisement, bhai, you’re mistaken.
Jai: [Looks carefully at the packet labelling] Yes, both the pichkari and gulal are Chinese.
Hind: But, but… I bought these from Sadar Bazar, yaar, not online, or from any fancy-wancy shop! [Almost in tears] Aur the balloons.
Jai: Chinese. Like your Diwali lights. Hind: Those, tho, I threw away year before last. Only desi fireworks now.
Jai: Like those sparklers we lit this year?
Hind: Boss, how the hell would I know? Itna small print on the label…. That also Chini?
Jai: Listen, Hind-bhai. That cooler you bought last summer, these chappals you’re wearing now, Piyush ke liye that toy train set that you said you got at an amazing price from Palika Bazaar…
Hind: But British time mein the swadeshi movement worked, no? Indians boycotted Angrezi factoryspun cotton and started wearing khadi and drove the Angrezo out.
Jai: Um, it wasn’t utna simple, Hind bhai. Anyway, suno. There is absolutely nothing wrong simply wanting to boycott Chinese products. Even the thought is patriotic, sacred, brave. Plus, relief bhi hota, no?
Hind: [Quietly] Yes. I feel proud to be an Indian to want to boycott Chinese goods. [Yells] Boycott Chinese goods! Xi Mon go home!
Jai: Exactly! See? Remember the time when you said you’d boycott the rasgulla?
Hind: Of course! When Mamata Banerjee had said that she would let Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s ‘Padmaavati’ have its premiere in Kolkata and would arrange cinema halls police protection — even after Rajputs had protested against the film. Mein tho after that refused to have Bengali sweets!
Jai: [Smiles] Which you never liked anyway.
Hind: Haan, tho? ‘Down, down, rasgolla! Mamata Banerjee, hai hai!’ I had shouted outside that shop in Bengali Market, remember?
Jai: Sahin baat. So, see, we both can boycott Chinese goods that we either don’t use – like lighters…
Hind: Because we don’t smoke…
Jai: Like electric plugs, batteries…
Hind: Which we anyway tell the mistri to get from the electrician…
Jai: Or boycott Chinese goods we don’t like.
Jai: Buddha statues, toy guns, iPhones, folding chairs….
Hind: Exactly! Instead, we can teach the Chinese a solid lesson much more effectively than through any boycott.
Hind: (Leans forward) How? How?
Jai: See, all the Chinese food we eat here in India tastes nothing like the Chinese food in China. They have chicken legs, ghaas phus, steamed fish, boiled vegetables…saab bakwaas. No spice, nothing. Ours is ‘Indian-Chinese’.
Hind: You mean chilli chicken, garlic hakka noodles, drums of heaven, your favourite Kung Pao chicken, Chinese people don’t eat that?
Jai: Na! All Indian, naam ki vasta Chinese. So all we have to do is sell only desi goods as Chinese… ot only Chinese food, but also clocks, bulbs, jharus, cutlery… everything ‘Make in India’, but ‘Sell as Chinese’, like the restaurant khaana. Baas baaj gaya China ka!
Hind: Brilllll-llliant, Jai! Tu to geniussss!
Hind: [Gets up to embrace] Jai!
Jai: [Embraces] Hind!